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argh. feeling horrible.

i dunno why it turned out like this, but we're drifting further and further apart, and eveything i do seems to be futile and useless, cos it seems like you like it that way and you want to go further and further away. we've never had anything to talk about, but at least we could talk, but now i feel muted. maxine hk once said being unable to talk is a road to madness. i think im turning mad. i think it's probably going to be like some small part of your life, you being so busy with everything and trying to do better for your studies, but i just can't take it when i don't even get to see you. there's no one for me to really talk to anymore, and fuck i just dunno what to do. it feels horrible. im trying to be nice, really trying but why don't you respond? i feel so fucking out of touch with you. like the last five years never happened. oh crap. fuck. you're gonna think that im just seeking attention again, creating another of 'this sort' of problem for you. go ahead, but im still gonna stay this way. you think there's no problem, so tell me that. tell me that you don't want to do anything about it so i can do the same. tear myself from that idea of you i had five years ago and make you leave me alone. i was looking at the cards, and thinking what happened. you said once that i was the greatest friend you ever had in your life and you don't know how fucking happy i was and still am, when you wrote that. argh now i wish i never knew you so i could probably have had a higher chance of a normal life. haha this is hilarious. why am i even writing this down? you'd never read it. you wouldn't bother reading trivia in this time of your oh-so-important studies and life and tiredness and all my uselessness. fuck it im tired ok? fuck. ahhh cb. the worst thing about drifting away is forgetting. i don't want to be forgotten, but it's gonna happen, whatever i tell myself. you are going to bury me deep in your mind and make me disappear when we go to the army. there will be no more seeing, noticing, and you will lead a seperate life from me. if i'm not important enough to you, tell me that. stop telling me that you have to study, blah blah when you can watch stay online and tv and blah. all im asking is for like 0.005% of your time, you know. just to reply smses and go out once a month. make that once a term or something, if you please. if that's still too much, say it and i will give up. im glad to know that currently im beginning to lead a rather happy life seperate from you. i've got a wonderful class and dota to help but in the end i know that it'll all come to you. so there. fuck i don't want to be forgotten. ahh desperation. bye bye.

hmmm. reading and thinking about it. maybe i am over reacting. wooh reading your own rants calms you down. hmm i guess you are nice in your own quiet way. but in too corporate a way, like printing stuff and all the BB shit. that's why around you i feel useless. haha yes yes big news. there's no like emotional niceness. you're always tired, and these kinds of things drain you even more. i understand. haha but my idea of best-friend-ness revolves around spending some time together and being comfortable with someone. not like a BGR where its touchy but like you know someone you know you can just be yourself in front of. haha i've lost that feeling. all im asking is 3 hours a month for lunch. that's all haha. i dun wanna forget. AIYA WHAT THE FUCK

okay cblptmd

rich