not really

we're at home now, having just came down from orchard where there was an excellent dinner with faith, bridget and js, courtesy of spagheddies at paragon consisting of copious amounts of lasagna, crayfish and tenderloin (!!!) combo and italian chocolate cake (!!!!). i am adamant about finishing the battle for middle earth campaign tonight, the nerd that i am.

chinese new year has been the best thing that has happened since january 11th (hint, hint), at least it feels like i've attained some temporary semblance of freedom. the hoohah over my hair (or lack thereof) has been fairly pleasant, at least they're no longer asking me why i didn't take triple science. on the financial front, looks like big winnings, but haven't had the chance to count. the prospect of me being on another island twenty four hours from now is extremely irritating, and i am trying to push that thought out of my mind.

somehow, after so long, i am still stuck in the place where i have everything to lose and nothing to gain but a temporary spate of false puppy love and maybe regret, shame and self-blaming, but yet am stupid enough to want to try. the worse part is, i can't even try, not that i don't want to, but you won't let me. in fact, i think you don't even think that anything's wrong. oh well, maybe i'll find someone else. in the meantime, it sucks to be jealous and on the waiting end, trying to pull through every lonely quiet night with make-believe and fantasies about how everything will work itself out into the splendid masterplan that i have, right now in my head, to the last illusory detail. it sucks to be the lonely one. i wish you would know, and i wish you would care, but i think that's too much to ask. the end.

reeeeeeeeeeech